Down the Rabbit Hole
Today is my 39th birthday and if I think back to the last five years of my life, I often feel a lot like Alice from Alice in Wonderland, chasing the white rabbit down a terrifying hole.
And as I fall, I have lost my health, faith, and even myself along the way. Don't get me wrong. It's not just the last five years of my life, because when you look at life it truly is one great big fall down a rabbit hole. It's that when I share my story with strangers, doctors, and even true friends even they tell me I should share my story beyond my little circle. Some say it may even serve as inspiration.
While you may feel like you're entering in the middle of my tale, I assure you it will all make sense one day. But the reality is rather complicated, even as I continue to forge ahead while free-falling. You see, when I was falling, I realized I was not. Everything was standing still for me to analyze, assess and discover what I need to make myself happy.
Then I had a near death experience, it truly put things into a different perspective and I was awakened and I knew that I no longer wanted to feel the way I do; depressed, ill, tired, not living life to it's full potential. I know I was given a gift. The fall down the rabbit hole began again, but this time I was moving because now I knew that death although beautiful, awesome and certainly most interesting, I don't want to revisit it anytime soon.
Yes, I'm a chronically ill stay at home mom of two boys. I was diagnosis with hemiplegic migraines and suffered a stroke, and now suffer from epilepsy. I was diagnosis with ductal carcinoma in situ of the breast by one doctor and told differently by another doctor and still having many issues of my left breast. I also have a sphenoid sinus tumor that has been determined to be left alone. Doctor after doctor, I have been let down. I'm moving onto a different team and getting the help I need because I am done, done, done. I want my life back. I want to live. I'm exploring how to eat healthy or for my 'type' and now I want to share it with you. Maybe someone in the same position as me will find my experience useful.
Then there is the writer side of me. I wrote a book called Delicious, and if you are a follower and a person who has read the book or one of the many people who purchased this book in Japan (thanks Japan!). I feel I have failed you. Sorry. I know it wasn't the answer you were looking for or wanted, but I wrote it as an outlet and an inspired idea.
Ever since I was a little girl I loved reading and writing and that is a fact. But Delicious never ever grabbed my heart, no matter how many times I read it or revised it. Yes I am proud that I published a book, but I know I can do better, way better in fact. Romance is not my genre. I was always a Sidney Sheldon, Jackie Collins, type of writer and I'm moving in that direction.
And as I develop my new novel in my new genre, I will be working on my lifestyle blog and vlog to develop my writing and also exploring other authors and reviewing pop culture, food, lifestyle and so much more. I will be blogging daily and as for my vlogs they will post on my YouTube channel every Sunday and Wednesday 9 PM Central Standard Time.
Most of all, I'm going to be real. I can't hideaway anymore. I felt locked like a hummingbird in a gilded cage and now it's time for me to come out and play. Regardless of how I may feel, you will see me. I will write, I will do it, tears and all, even if I bump and bruise myself along the way because I know when I land I will be opening a door to wonderland and I'm not ready for that just yet.
Life is a rabbit hole, enjoy the fall because when you land it stops.